


Heart to Heart

by Bill_Custard



Series: The Jamie Shepard Collection [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Aromantic, Asexuality Spectrum, Engineering, Flashbacks, Gay, Geth, Insomnia, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Mindoir, Quarians, Rannoch (Mass Effect), Reapers, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 15:25:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19726417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bill_Custard/pseuds/Bill_Custard
Summary: I love the gay Kaidan romance because it is the only one that gives me a real aromantic feeling. Jamie Shepard is aromantic, on the asexual spectrum, and their relationship is slowly growing from friendship to more. Jamie is having trouble sleeping after the stressfull time he's had on Rannoch. He's not used to having a boyfriend, so he finds it hard to call him up to his cabin when he doesn't want to be alone. Luckily, there's a very clever AI on board who can give them a little push when they need it.Jamie is an engineer, by the way. He's a huge nerd, and 99,9% paragon. Also, he's really bad at all this feelings stuff.





	Heart to Heart

Almost as soon as he closed his eyes again, he sees the bright redness, feels the searing heat on his skin, hears the loud trumpeting reaper sound, and jumps - only to wake up in his bed, disoriented, panting, with a very vivid afterimage of a reaper beam. How could a sound he only imagined be so incredibly loud? This had happened every single time he'd been nodding off for the last couple of hours. He realized that he was not going to sleep tonight.

He sat on his bed for about five minutes, contemplating the crushing fatigue in his entire body. He felt worn out. Exhausted. Sore. He did kill a reaper only hours before, this was probably just the price to pay. At least they were out of the thick for now. The Normandy could definitely need repairs after Ranoch, and he had started to see some wear and tear amongst his crewmembers, so he had decided to finally go for the shore leave Hacket had ordered him to take. Still... He really needed sleep. There would still be a lot to do tomorrow. They needed to check over the ship before their next relay jump. And another Spec Ops had just come in, so he would have to be able to fight tomorrow. He groaned. Well, nothing he could do about it now. No sense in lying around remembering flashes of the day over and over again, thinking about where it all could have gone wrong, thinking about how much of it had just been dumb luck...

He got up, put on his comfortable clothes, and went for a walk through the ship. He had done this before in sleepless nights. Even when it was doubt that kept him awake, and the certainty that they would loose this (less and less in recent weeks), a walk through the ship, greeting the night-shift workers and talking to them always reassured him. And when it was the nightmares that were keeping him, the quietness of the ship at night calmed him down. The night shift was relaxing. He started in engineering, smiling at the two workers who worked there at night when he came in. They, as usually, were quite excited to see him, and he stopped by for a bit of a talk about the engines and about their personal lives. Engineers were always his personal favorite. When he had joined the Alliance, he had thought he would end up here, working on the engines in the belly of some big battleship. He was still fluent in the way engineers talked, less like soldiers and more like mates. He had done this for a very short while, but his true talent had always been leading, fighting, being in the middle of it all. So he had developed his own rather particular fighting style. The humming of the big engine calmed his nerves. It was always nice to talk to people who obsessed over similar things as he did. 

He let them go on with their work after a quarter hour of nerding around, then leaned against the shuttle bay window for a couple of minutes, cooling his forehead on the glass, feeling sleep seep into his body. He almost fell asleep standing there, but it happened again - almost as soon as he closed his eyes, he saw a flashback of the day, the heat, the red light, the fear of misstepping even once and be killed. He sighed. On then.

He found three workers having coffee and playing cards in the mess hall. They jumped at the sight of him, but he just waved them down and joined them with a cup of tea. They were also night shift workers, but only there in case of emergency, so their shift consisted mainly of waiting. He joined in for a round of cards, then went on to the combat information center. 

The galaxy map was the thing that had calmed him down the most before the war. He had had these kinds of nights when going after the collectors too, and sometimes at night he had just zoomed in and out of the galaxy map at random, just looking, dreaming... Now, it stressed him out. Too much responsibility in all those star systems. Too many of them red. He opened his messages. There was one from Kaidan that made him smile, telling him about the book he'd lent him.

He visited EDI. EDI was a constant in the ship. Since she didn't need sleep, she usually took the first or second half of the night shift, sometimes both. He found her in the pilot's chair.

"Commander", she said, looking at him, without stopping her work. It had been unsettling to see her do this in the beginning, but he had gotten used to it. After all, she didn't actually need the body to pilot the ship, nor did she need her body's eyes to see.

"Hi, EDI", he said, collapsing into the empty Co-pilot's chair.

"You should get some sleep", EDI said.

"I know, EDI. I just can't right now." He rubbed his eyes, which felt dry and hot.

"You did not have more than two hours of sleep in the last 40 hours. This impacts your functionality."

"I know. I do. I just... The last two days were really rough. I needed to stay awake. There was just no time. And now I think my brain is just too tired to sleep."

"This doesn't make any sense, Commander. How can your brain be too tired to sleep?"

"Every time I close my eyes to try and sleep, I get some flashback from the day."

"I have always wondered about this, Commander. Why do organic lifeforms have trouble sleeping? It seems very inefficient. You need sleep to function, but if it's difficult to sleep, this seems like a fatal construction flaw."

Shepard chuckled. "True. It's a wonder we ever made it through evolution. Do you want to talk about anything?"

She stared into the distance for two seconds. "Commander, I have analyzed my databanks on human sleeping behavior, and I found that many humans sleep better in these kinds of situations when sleeping next to someone they trust... or love. Maybe you should try this."

Shepard looked at her, confused. Where was she going with this?

"I noticed that your friendship whit Major Alenko has somehow deepened. My sensors show that he's also still awake and reading."

"How do you even know about us, EDI? It's not common knowledge..."

"I know everything that goes on on this ship, Commander."

This was one of the moments in which he was never certain if EDI was making him uncomfortable as a joke or being serious. It did make him feel a little bit awkward, but on the other hand, he was quite certain that AIs didn't usually have perverse tendencies. He was sure she wouldn't listen in for any weird reasons.

"Besides", EDI continued with her strange half-smile, "I listen to what crewmembers talk about. There are rumors. You are not hiding it, exactly."

"No. There is no reason to hide now, I think. Now is not the time to be ashamed of your feelings."

"So why don't you call him up to your cabin?"

He pondered it for a couple of seconds. "I think it would be kind of weird. I don't know. It hasn't been that long. We're still figuring it out. We have been friends for such a long time, and we both aren't romantic people, so this is just strange for us. Calling him up at night is just... weird, I guess. I'm not sure we're at that stage yet."

"I see."

The talk hadn't helped. He decided it was time to move on with his tour. He groaned as his body protested when he rose out of the co-pilot’s chair.

"Nice talking with you, EDI."

"Always a pleasure, Commander."

He slowly walked towards the war room, thinking about what she had said. Maybe she was right. It didn't necessarily have to be any kind of sexual innuendo if he just asked his brother in arms, and more, up to his cabin when he couldn't sleep. But it felt selfish. He shouldn't keep Kaidan from sleeping either.

He went through his war assets, watching out for any changes. There were new people joining up every day everywhere in the galaxy. It always gave him hope to see that there were still people left who were willing to fight. That there were still resources that hadn't been tapped. He smiled going through the Quarian and Geth assets. If there was one thing he would be proud of until the day he died, it was this. Ending this war.

"Hey there", a soft, familiar voice said behind him. He turned around and smiled at Kaidan, who somewhat awkwardly stood there in his hoodie, his hair more disheveled than you would ever see it during the day, eyes just a hint of bloodshot and puffy. The doors closed behind him. 

"Kaidan? What's going on?"

"I couldn't sleep", Kaidan said. He came over and joined him, watching what he was looking at. He smiled when he saw the Quarian and Geth war assets right next to each other.

"You know I'm incredibly proud of you, right?", he said, "I'm practically in awe at what you did. Sometimes I think you're too good for me."

Shepard took his hand and leaned his head against Kaidan's shoulder. "I actually think we're quite good for each other. By the way, why are you really here?" He had a suspicion.

"Well... to be honest, EDI told me to look in on you."

"Yep. Knew it."

Kaidan laughed. "EDI the pimp?"

It made Shepard laugh as well. Then he got serious again. "What's keeping you from sleeping, Kaidan?"

"I'm not sure if we shouldn't rather sit down somewhere comfortable to talk about this stuff. How about we share some whiskey in your cabin? Maybe it will make both of us sleep better."

"That does sound like a very good idea."

"I'll be up in a minute then."

Shepard absentmindedly looked at Kaidan's backside when he was walking out, then grinned about it. That man was just too attractive from any possible angle.

***

Shepard was just choosing the music when Kaidan came in. He filled two glasses for them, and leant back on the sofa, looking at the fish tank.

"Shoot, Kaidan", Shepard said, sitting down next to him.

"What?" He seemed to have interrupted is thoughts.

"What's going on with you?"

Kaidan looked at his glass for a couple of seconds, slowly swirling his whiskey around, seemingly checking it’s oiliness. He took a sip and sighed. "It's not easy for me to talk about all this stuff. For once, I just can't forget the way you faced down that reaper. It was scary as hell."

Now it was Shepard's turn to take a large sip. This whiskey was amazing. "Yep. That's what's been keeping me awake as well. Whenever I close my eyes, I hear the sound, I see the light, I feel the heat of the beam... And I always feel like at least half of it was just dumb luck, and I could just as well be dead right now."

"It was really badass though," Kaidan grinned.

"I suppose so, yeah," he chuckled. 

Kaidan pulled him close and kissed his head. "Please try not to do anything this stupidly dangerous again. I'm not sure my blood pressure can take it."

"Aye, Major", Shepard said, pulling himself out of Kaidan’s embrace. He wanted to look at his face while he was talking, his stern features lit by the blue light of the fish tank.

Kaidan looked off into the distance for a couple of seconds. "But that's not the main thing. Just the immediate thing. I'm not sleeping well in general at the moment. I keep thinking about my parents."

Shepard nodded. "I get that. Have you heard from your mum?"

"I get messages. She's at a refugee camp. She always tries to be hopeful, not to worry me... But I see right through it. I'm just so sorry for the fact that she has to go through all this alone. I wish I could be there for her."

"It's really tough, not being able to help the people you love."

"Yeah. And my dad... I miss him. Now that I know I'm probably never going to see him again, I think of so many things I still wanted to do with him, and tell him... I wish he could have met you, for example..."

"I know the feeling..."

Kaidan stared at his hands for a couple of seconds. "Shit. I suppose you do. I'm really sorry. You're so in control all the time, sometimes I forget how tough your life has been."

"I've had a lot of years to cope with this shit."

"How did you though? How do you ever cope with this kind of shit?"

Shepard emptied his glass and poured himself another one. He sighed. "That's a tough one. I don't think you ever really can. You can learn to live with it. Not have it impact your morality in too much of a negative way. I mean, it's not like you've never dealt with something life changing happening to you, right? You got through Jump Zero just fine."

"Yeah, I don't know... It took me a long time, and sometimes I realize I'm still carrying it around with me. “Just fine” might not exactly be accurate. And I really needed my dad back then. And now he's probably gone, and he can never meet you, or see me again when everything's over... I'll never just sit on the balcony with him, trading stories about the war..." His voice broke.

Shepard leant back, thinking about his own parents. They had been gone for such a long time that it felt absurd to even think about the fact that if everything hadn't gone wrong, they’d probably have met Kaidan some day, they’d be worried about their son now, maybe call... Somehow, even though they had been gone for half his life, it oftentimes still felt fresh and raw.

"You have me now", he said, "You can always talk to me. And I know you’re really strong, Kaidan. You are one of the strongest people I've ever met."

"Thanks. How did you cope with loosing your parents, back then?"

Shepard answered with a very long silence, looking at his drink, lost in his own thoughts.

"Ok, I'm sorry I asked. It was stupid. You don't need to tell me about it. I just realized I never asked."

"No", Shepard said to his own surprise, "I think I actually want to. It will be good to finally talk about it with someone like you."

"Someone like me?"

"Someone who isn't a psychotherapist. And I haven't talked about it for the last twelve years. Not really."

"Oh. I thought you meant something else." There was a hint of ironic disappointment in Kaidan's voice. 

Shepard had to grin. "You're right. Also someone I trust. Someone I really like spending time with. Someone I... you know... love."

Kaidan smiled and moved himself into a position that faced Shepard, looking at him intently.

"It probably won't help you though. It's just another sad story." Shepard suddenly felt insecure.

"I don't know. I feel like every time I learn something new about you, it helps me in some way."

"You know, I don't think I handled it well at all." He called up a picture of his parents and himself on his omnitool. "I haven’t shown this to anyone in over a decade. It was such an innocent time in my life." In the picture, he was probably thirteen years old, his skin tanned and his hair messily falling into his eyes. His trousers were torn, and he was holding a puppy in his arms, laughing towards the camera. His dad had placed his arms around his shoulders, laughing at the puppy that was trying to lick his face. His mum was standing next to him, her hair in a messy bun, wearing her work trousers, hands at her hips, smiling towards the camera, looking like a badass, the way she always did. "I love this picture."

"You look so happy. You were really cute."

"Weren't we all..."

"Yeah. I suppose so." Kaidan called up a picture of his own, his scrawny, 17 year old self sitting on the balcony with his father, drinking beer, smiling shyly at whoever had taken the picture. "Some of the most peaceful hours of my life right here in this picture."

"We should be glad that we at least still have something left that reminds us of them", Shepard said. "You know, our dog died first. She was the first person I loved who died protecting me. When they came into the house..." He needed a moment to try and push the vivid memories back. "She ran towards the first one, growling, barking, and bit him. He just gunned her down. It was a slaughter after that. We had made it to my aunt's house, so there was my family, my aunt's family, my uncle's family... they were all dead within minutes. I think they didn't perceive me as a threat, maybe because I was bleeding, I had fallen into broken glass... Maybe it was because I completely froze, unable to move or do anything. It was just one guy holding me. They didn't realize I had a gun, the only gun my family had. But it took me too long to get free. I couldn't save them. My parents were still alive when I shot my guard. The first time I killed. They realized I was armed, and they put guns against my parent's heads, telling me to stand down. But my mom wouldn't have it. She told me to run. Survive. She started to fight like a crazy person, distracting them. I saw both of them get shot. I was so scared. I shot at two other ones, managed to kill one, ran away, hid... And the next thing I remember is an Alliance soldier finding me, probably hours later.... just wandering around aimlessly, still trying to get away..." Kaidan moved closer towards him and put an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close.

"You know, people always think I joined the Alliance out of gratefulness. But I always liked dreaming about space. Adventure. My mum and I built our first engine together when I was ten. I just never stopped. I loved spending time building stuff. Around the farming equipment, repairing, improving... I knew I wanted to be on a spaceship one day. I just wished it had been my call."

"So what happened afterwards?"

"The colonial office gave me a lot of money. The best education money could buy. But I was a fucked-up kid. A few weeks later, I beat up a guy who made fun of me for behaving and talking like a farmer. I was lucky I had teachers who supported me, a good psychotherapist... And I had good friends. Most of them I lost on Akuze, and don't even get me started on that. Shit." He burried his face in Kaidan's chest. 

"I sometimes feel like everything good I have is getting fucked up at some point. I'm so scared I will be getting all of you killed. Everyone I loved died at some point. What if I'm the problem?" Suddenly it was all out in the open, every nagging thought. "Since the two of us met, I couldn't protect Jenkins. Ash. Mordin. Thane. And I lost another friend just today. I couldn't protect Legion either. I am leaving behind an astronomical body count amongst my friends. Maybe..." He got into a sudden state of panic. What if he was cursed, what if the universe was just out for the blood of everyone he got too close to?

"Kaidan, what if it's me? What if I just get everyone around me killed?" He backed off from him, covering his face with his hands. "Shit, I think this might have been a really bad idea. Kaidan, maybe we should stop this. I think I am going to get you killed, too."

He heard Kaidan softly put his glass down, then he felt one of his hands on his back, the other one taking his hand, steadying it's shaking. "I'm not going anywhere, Jamie. You saved so many people. You saved me. If it hadn't been for you, I would have been dead several times over. So don't you dare think you will get me killed. I can take care of myself. And if one of us dies, that's just war. It's what we signed up for." 

Shepard wanted nothing more than to hug him, be close to him... He suddenly had to laugh, a very bitter laugh. "You see how well I managed to cope with all this shit..."

"I'm not good at coping with this either. I don't think anyone's ever equipped to cope with this shit. But you're doing a really good job at going on, making every second count... And I'm here. I'm really glad we finally talked about this. Thank you for telling me. But I won't leave you. Not ever."

Shepard hugged him tight, breathing in Kaidan's clean, freshly washed scent, that was mixed with just a hint of whiskey.

"I'm very, very glad you're here. I'm glad you know this about me. I'm so grateful you're sticking around despite knowing it."

Kaidan pulled his chin up and kissed him. It was till new to him. He was not a romantic person. Kissing someone with any kind of emotional component to it was confusing, unsettling, wonderful. A bit strange still, to kiss someone he had considered a friend for such a long time. It only was their third kiss. Mostly, they had just talked, held hands, letting it progress slowly, easing into the new turn their friendship had taken. It was a long, careful kiss that tasted like whiskey. When they broke it off, they just sat there for several minutes, Shepard almost lying on Kaidan’s chest, not moving. It was nice. Shepard suddenly realized how exhausted he was. Physically, mentally, emotionally. He felt like something had finally burst that had been there for a very long time, pressing on his heart, his mood... He had almost fallen asleep right there, when Kaidan said "You know, even though we talked about really bad stuff, stuff that’s impossible to resolve, I think I'm going to be able to sleep, as long as I'm next to you." 

Shepard nodded. "Let's go to bed then."

He raised his glass. "To being stronger together." Kaidan clinked his glass against his. They quickly brushed their teeth, undressed, and went to bed. Shepard was too tired and sore to even think about sex. It seemed to be the same with Kaidan. When they had lied down, Kaidan hugged Shepard tight. Also a new experience. Shepard was usually not one to cuddle. But it was really nice. It calmed him down, to have Kaidan's breath at his ear, to feel his heart beat against his back, to entangle their fingers and feel completely safe in the breathing warmth that was his boyfriend.

***

He had slept without even one single dream for almost nine hours. The fact that he had forgotten to set an alarm didn't really bother him all that much. Everyone already had their work cut out for them, and it was important for him to get some sleep - probably more important than anything else. He turned his head to look at Kaidan. Kaidan's hand was still lying on his chest, his face turned towards him, looking a bit worn out, but almost completely relaxed. He thought about waking him for two or three seconds, but he seemed so fast asleep. He watched Kaidan's face for a bit, thinking about how lucky he was to have him. He was the steadiest person he could imagine, just the kind of person he needed the most. Even his breathing was steady, regular. After Kaidan had showed even the slightest sign of a breakdown yesterday, he was relieved to see him sleep fast and sound like this. He carefully got up, trying not to wake him, and was relieved when Kaidan just sighed and pulled up his blanket without waking up. He was amazed at the fact that Kaidan was still sleeping when he had showered and dressed. He obviously desperately needed sleep.

"Good morning, Traynor", he said, walking up to her with his coffee steaming in his hand.

"Commander! It's almost 12 o'clock. Did you sleep till now?"

He yawned, still feeling groggy. "I really needed it after yesterday..."

"And you deserve it. Besides, you have impeccable timing. We almost finished the check over, the Normandy will be ready to go through the relay in half an hour. The course to your next operation is already locked in. Tali Zora vas Normandy arrived an hour ago and has moved into her quarters. She started working with the engineers right away."

Shepard smiled. He was so happy to have Tali back. The Normandy crew didn’t feel complete without her. 

"Thank you, Traynor. I wanted to have a little chat with EDI first. Let’s have a team briefing for the Spec Ops in an hour. I'm taking Kaidan and Garrus with me."

"Should we talk somewhere private, Shepard?", EDI's voice immediately sounded from the com, "I will meet you outside of the cockpit."

Shepard chuckled. She was indeed always listening. "Ok."

When he met her, he smiled. "You learned a lot about human nature, EDI. I'm impressed."

"Did you sleep well, Commander?"

"Surprisingly enough, I did. You were right. Thank you."

"I'm glad I could help."

"But you know this could have gone wrong, right? Not everyone appreciates it when other people take the initiative for them."

"I know. But I knew you would forgive me for trying to do something for you."

"I really appreciate it, EDI."

"Also, I need you to be in good shape. Who knows what kind of decisions you'll make otherwise."

Shepard just stared at her for two seconds. Again - he wasn't quite sure if she was saying these things ironically or not. "I should go."

"I will see you later, Shepard."  
***  
They went through the relay twenty minutes later, and Shepard decided to go see Kaidan. He foundhim in the starbord observation deck, drinking tea, reading something. When Shepard walked in, he smiled.

"You know you could have woken me up, right?"

"I didn't have the heart."

"Next time, wake me."

Shepard smiled. "So there will be a next time?"

"Do you want there to be a next time?"

"I do."

"Then yeah. Of course there will be a next time."

Shepard, very uncharacteristically for him, took Kaidan's hand and kissed him. It felt new to do things like this, but it felt perfectly right. 

Then reality got back to him.

"Briefing in 15 minutes in the war room. I'm taking you with me on a spec ops mission."

"Yep", Kaidan said, taking up his teacup again, "I had already heard, commander."

Shepard nodded and turned around. He looked back when the door opened and realized Kaidan was looking at his backside in a very similar manner that he had looked at Kaidan’s not twelve hours ago. Kaidan noticed him looking and winked. Shepard got almost hit by the closing doors. He couldn't hear it, but he knew Kaidan was chuckling about this.


End file.
